春秋的信---不能爱上你（十一）_《不能爱上你》

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春秋的信---不能爱上你（十一）（2/2）

    林欣：你好！抱歉这么长时间没给你写信。真担心你若搬家，这封信还能否寄到。其实写过好几，但不是写到中间就搁笔了，就是居然写完了，看看牢骚与疑问太多，自己看了都不高兴，更不想寄给你看了。倒也不是一直都不高兴，只是不知怎么写出信来都是思乡、疑惑、伤怀的情绪居多，怎么事呢？

    一天在上看到一篇谈哲学的中文文章，心有所动。我想要做个心灵舒展的人很难。大多数人都没有勇气去追求自己真正想要的。不是说这么去追求了就会一切顺心，但只要心里能真正肯定这件事就是很值得的。有人说：&amp;ldquo;我也不知道自己真正想要什么。&amp;rdquo;我想不见得是真不知道，恐怕是不敢面对自己真正的需要以及它对你勇气和毅力上的要求。

    你喜欢日本吗？知道我很羡慕你哪两点？一是你在日本会买到很多适东方人的漂亮衣服，二是有适东方人的美容品。我穿的尺码是美国这里成人的最小号，Petite2，总不好买衣服。

    你业余在做什么？我们这里环境相对贫乏。我只有看书。最近想买一架旧钢琴。碰巧可买到5块钱以下的。但是要时时注意广告。今天见到一家卖钢琴的，才5块。打电话过去说已经卖出去了。实在可惜。

    以前跟你提到佛经里这一句话吗：&amp;ldquo;生死已尽，梵行已立。所作已办，不受后有。&amp;rdquo;说得真是痛快，世上还能有几个人这么说？！

    你要是能告诉我电话号码以及你可能在家的时间最好了。因为我不想多写了。我有时思想上还不大清晰。写短了不明白，写长了又没时间。还有，我的电子邮箱是<ahref="mailto:不过发邮件的话，我只能给你写英文了。

    祝你快乐！

    春秋997年9月9日春秋的信让林欣很不平静。和春秋一样，来日本后她自己也整日被思乡、疑惑、伤怀的情绪包围着，而失掉了很多曾经拥有过的人生乐趣。留学生活的艰辛当然是一个重要原因，但那只是原因之一。更重要的是她让自己流于琐碎忙碌的生活，而越来越失去了对生活的激情和对未来的憧憬。这就是春秋所说的&amp;ldquo;没有勇气&amp;rdquo;吧。现在的她，只是想要伸伸脚就可以得到的幸福。眼下的一切都很具体，太具体了：考上大学院，拿到奖学金。这就是林欣现在所有的梦想。那以后呢？那个在国内时常常困扰着她的问题又袭上心头：将来我到底应该做什么？

    春秋在信中提到日本的衣服和美容品，林欣看了只能苦笑。来日本五个月了，她连一件衣服、一只美容品都没有买过。

    春秋在去美国前结了婚。老公是她们高中同年级的一个男生。高中同学背后议论起来，都有些惊讶于春秋的选择。高中的时候，春秋曾经和年级里另一个男生很要好。那男生是全校的风云人物，是个文武全才的帅哥。可后来男生去了广州，这段初恋也就无疾而终了。春秋的老公当时在学校也很出名，因为他在数九寒天竟然只穿了短袖衬衣去上课间操，人走起路来又有点好兵帅克的架势。林欣当时也很不解，春秋爱上的人怎么会是这么天悬地隔的呢？

    至于她自己，还没有真正开始恋爱。在国内也有不少男孩子追求她，也有过喜欢的男生。然而&amp;ldquo;爱&amp;rdquo;这个字对于林欣来说，实在是太严肃，她不敢轻易地迈出这一步。那无休无止的争吵、母亲的眼泪、父亲的摔摔打打都犹然在耳。林欣不能忘记那些夜晚，她把头藏在被子里，哭了又哭。她不能忘记，在学校考了好成绩，兴冲冲地跑家想给父母一个惊喜，遇到的却是父亲或是母亲的迁怒于人。

    她要找的是一个温暖的家。

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